Sunshine on a Rainy Day

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Although it’s raining in Wainfleet today, there’s a little patch of sunshine in my heart ~

Waking Up with Despair

I woke up crying today for no reason and I can’t seem to stop. Drove to Tim Horton’s to pick up a coffee because coffee fixes everything, but not today.
While I write this I’m eating half a grapefruit. I don’t know why it is that grapefruit tastes better when it’s cut in half as opposed to being peeled and eaten like an orange, it just is. It’s sweet and juicy. Perfect for waking up my taste buds, which in all seriousness might be the only part of me that wakes up today.
I’m going to have some leftovers from yesterday’s breakfast. A zucchini, tomato, and mozzarella dish sprinkled with parmesan cheese and chopped basil. Delicious! Leftovers are great for days when I don’t have the energy or desire to open a box of cereal.
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I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I made some big changes recently to improve my life. Changes that should make my life easier and give me peace of mind, but I feel the same. Selling my home and moving to the country was a good financial decision that also brought a decent measure of calm. I love a man who cherishes me. We have common goals and dreams, and our time together is filled with love and laughter.

It’s funny how we look outside ourselves to fix problems on the inside. I’ve looked to meds and cognitive behaviour therapy to alleviate my symptoms. I’ve turned to God, drink, and love to make me happy. I lose myself in facebook, internet games, and television to escape myself. I make plans for the future because when the future arrives I will be better. Right?

When I get right with God, when I align my thoughts, words, and actions with the universe, when I take up yoga, start meditating, eat a clean diet, practice mindfulness, find my purpose, find my passion, do random acts of kindness, etc., my world will be right as rain. But it won’t, will it?

We are a society bombarded with self-help advice that I honestly don’t have the energy or motivation to act on. If I had it I guess I wouldn’t need it.

I’m starting to feel better as I write this, that and eating breakfast. It won’t always work. There will and have been days where I get up, eat and go back to bed. And sometimes those days turn into weeks and then stretch into months. An existence, that for anyone, will take its toll on one’s self-esteem.

When I woke up today, I didn’t think I would make it past breakfast. But here I am feeling stronger and ready to do a few chores before I take a nap. My belly full, my story on paper and my tears dried. Maybe, for today, that’s all I need to find a little happiness.

 

Loving My Inner Child

 

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It’s a perfect morning. Sunny with a balmy breeze that takes me back to days as a child. Like today, it was around the time of my birthday. My fifth birthday to be exact. I was daydreaming while I sat on the metal swing-set in the backyard. Swinging and singing a made-up song. Hair softly blowing in the wind. Behind me, rows of grapes starting to bud. And everywhere I looked my world was a pretty spring green.

At one point, I started thinking about my life and what it might look like when I came to the end of it. Even at five, I often wondered how God would judge me when I met Him face to face. I thought my life might look like a movie. God reviewing every moment of my life while everyone watched every deed, heard every word, and listened to every thought. It would be fair to think that at five I didn’t have much to worry about, but even then I had secrets I didn’t want to be revealed. The fact that God already knew caused me great shame which, unfortunately, was not enough to keep me godly.

On days like today, I think of that little girl and her young life. So much living yet to do; her thoughts, words, and deeds paling in comparison to all those that would follow.

I will turn 56 soon, and when I do I will remember that earnest girl, far too serious for her years. She is the pensive, sensitive, anxious side of me. She is where depression lives. When I weep for the world so cruel at times that my heart breaks, it is through her eyes that I weep. When I look at the beauty that surrounds me I experience it with the awe and wonder of a child.

Throughout my life, I have tried to ignore her, tried to pretend she isn’t a part of me. But for all her sensitivities she will not be denied. And so, I have learned to love and cherish her. The part of me that is the purest; my heart.