Twenty Minutes of Fear

I’m tired but excited to start writing. I haven’t been able to write for over a month now. I feel paralyzed by fear of being unable to write well and fear of being judged. You can’t please everyone and when I write I know it. It feels like I put my heart and soul into my writing and then wait for people to like it, hate it or not bother with it.
I wish I knew what I want my blog to blog about. I look at other blogs and they have a theme or a topic and mine is all over the place. I’m trying to find my spot but maybe I’m trying too hard.
In my mind I’m funny but it doesn’t translate from my brain to the page. Something gets lost in translation and I think it’s the humour.
I have subjects I’m passionate about but I don’t want to write about them or maybe I do. I think I just want to write about the way I see life. But I don’t know if I have anything interesting to say that would be worth reading.
My biggest fear is that I don’t have any talent at all and I’m wasting my time. I don’t think that’s true but some days it feels that way.
I love writing and going public is new to me, so I feel like I’m standing on the street naked and people are laughing. The funny side of all this is that as much as I fear people reading what I write, I fear not getting a reaction at all.
I started my blog in February and have yet to see a comment, although people have sent me messages on facebook to give me positive feedback. At first I was afraid to look at my stats and then I couldn’t stop checking them: how many people, from what country, what did they read, why didn’t they comment?
I was grateful at first that nobody left a comment because I wouldn’t have to deal with what they had to say. It’s great if it’s positive but I’m sensitive and I don’t want to fall apart because of negativity. After about a month I wanted someone, anyone, to leave a comment, anything, I don’t care even if it’s nasty.
Is there anything worse than being invisible? When you’re getting negative comments, at least you’re getting a reaction, right?
I can’t stop writing, it’s what I love and when I write I feel free. Time goes by so quickly and I’m present in the moment. It’s easy to live in the moment when I write. I get lost in it unless I can’t think of anything to write.
As I write that I’m in the moment, my dogs hear a noise outside through the open windows. They start to bark and while I’m writing I’m shushing them, stamping on the floor, smacking the table to get their attention which is pointless!

15 thoughts on “Twenty Minutes of Fear

    • Rachel, I tried to comment on your site, but couldn’t because I’m blog challenged. Clicked something on my blog and it led me here, so thank you for your feedback. Your comment gave me a boost, as I’m not as confident writing as I’d like to be 🙂

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  1. Hi jane e, I understand exactly what you’re saying. I started blogging in February of last year. My blog was supposed to be about my writing journey. It wound up being all over the place; eventually focusing mostly on the brain hemorrhage I suffered back in November of 2011.

    In the past 18 months, I’ve lost 4 people I’ve known to brain bleeds of some kind; the last one being the closest to me. That was my call to action that I needed to do something. I started another blog here on WP, My Miracle Life. That one will be focused on my life post hemorrhage, and will offer stroke
    prevention resources and information for survivors, caregivers, family and friends. It has also turned me into an advocate.

    lilicasplace is going back to her roots…being about my writing journey. I don’t mean to bore you. 🙂 What I’m trying to say is just write. Write about what you’re passionate about. Your blog doesn’t HAVE to focus on any one particular thing right now. That can come later.

    Just enjoy doing what you love. Eva

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    • Thank you Eva! I’m sorry for the losses you have suffered.
      Your advice makes me realize the blog is mine and I should write what I want. I’m writing to please everybody else and that’s not possible.
      I plan to check out your blog. 🙂

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  2. Ah! I feel exactly the same way ALL THE TIME! I feel like I am all over the place with my blog-I knew where what I thought I wanted it to be, but it keeps changing, or I keep changing. Who knows! Keep up your writing, we will figure it out!

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    • I wanted to respond to you sooner but I had blog technology issues. Thank you for your comment, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I think too far ahead instead of just letting it happen. Your message encouraged me to relax, write what I want and watch it unfold 🙂

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