Waking Up with Despair

I woke up crying today for no reason and I can’t seem to stop. Drove to Tim Horton’s to pick up a coffee because coffee fixes everything, but not today.
While I write this I’m eating half a grapefruit. I don’t know why it is that grapefruit tastes better when it’s cut in half as opposed to being peeled and eaten like an orange, it just is. It’s sweet and juicy. Perfect for waking up my taste buds, which in all seriousness might be the only part of me that wakes up today.
I’m going to have some leftovers from yesterday’s breakfast. A zucchini, tomato, and mozzarella dish sprinkled with parmesan cheese and chopped basil. Delicious! Leftovers are great for days when I don’t have the energy or desire to open a box of cereal.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I made some big changes recently to improve my life. Changes that should make my life easier and give me peace of mind, but I feel the same. Selling my home and moving to the country was a good financial decision that also brought a decent measure of calm. I love a man who cherishes me. We have common goals and dreams, and our time together is filled with love and laughter.

It’s funny how we look outside ourselves to fix problems on the inside. I’ve looked to meds and cognitive behaviour therapy to alleviate my symptoms. I’ve turned to God, drink, and love to make me happy. I lose myself in facebook, internet games, and television to escape myself. I make plans for the future because when the future arrives I will be better. Right?

When I get right with God, when I align my thoughts, words, and actions with the universe, when I take up yoga, start meditating, eat a clean diet, practice mindfulness, find my purpose, find my passion, do random acts of kindness, etc., my world will be right as rain. But it won’t, will it?

We are a society bombarded with self-help advice that I honestly don’t have the energy or motivation to act on. If I had it I guess I wouldn’t need it.

I’m starting to feel better as I write this, that and eating breakfast. It won’t always work. There will and have been days where I get up, eat and go back to bed. And sometimes those days turn into weeks and then stretch into months. An existence, that for anyone, will take its toll on one’s self-esteem.

When I woke up today, I didn’t think I would make it past breakfast. But here I am feeling stronger and ready to do a few chores before I take a nap. My belly full, my story on paper and my tears dried. Maybe, for today, that’s all I need to find a little happiness.


6 thoughts on “Waking Up with Despair

  1. You have a way with words Jane ❤ You are not alone, we are birds of a feather. Your words I feel and understand very well. Yes, to your friends, you are perfect so may you always be happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That was a great read Jane. Maybe writing like this everyday can be therapeutic? Most of the time my feelings come out better on paper…..and getting our feelings out and having even one person listen can bring some sort of relief and then we can move forward..even if its just a little step every day. It also takes courage..good for you Jane!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Lisa, it was therapeutic. I love to connect with others through my writing even though I feel vulnerable and insecure while I write.
      It has been a ‘baby steps’ kind of day and I’m okay with that. I appreciate your comment and support.


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