I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I made some big changes recently to improve my life. Changes that should make my life easier and give me peace of mind, but I feel the same. Selling my home and moving to the country was a good financial decision that also brought a decent measure of calm. I love a man who cherishes me. We have common goals and dreams, and our time together is filled with love and laughter.
It’s funny how we look outside ourselves to fix problems on the inside. I’ve looked to meds and cognitive behaviour therapy to alleviate my symptoms. I’ve turned to God, drink, and love to make me happy. I lose myself in facebook, internet games, and television to escape myself. I make plans for the future because when the future arrives I will be better. Right?
When I get right with God, when I align my thoughts, words, and actions with the universe, when I take up yoga, start meditating, eat a clean diet, practice mindfulness, find my purpose, find my passion, do random acts of kindness, etc., my world will be right as rain. But it won’t, will it?
We are a society bombarded with self-help advice that I honestly don’t have the energy or motivation to act on. If I had it I guess I wouldn’t need it.
I’m starting to feel better as I write this, that and eating breakfast. It won’t always work. There will and have been days where I get up, eat and go back to bed. And sometimes those days turn into weeks and then stretch into months. An existence, that for anyone, will take its toll on one’s self-esteem.
When I woke up today, I didn’t think I would make it past breakfast. But here I am feeling stronger and ready to do a few chores before I take a nap. My belly full, my story on paper and my tears dried. Maybe, for today, that’s all I need to find a little happiness.